Last night, for the second time, I had a dream that I was calling out someone’s edges. It makes no sense to me because I don’t think have ever had conversations with anyone about their edges in my life. In the dream (again) someone is at my door and she is being rude and saying a whole bunch of crazy shit but all I kept saying was “What about your edges though?” I think I said it like 5 times in row. Like anytime she tried to get a word in, I would say “but them edges…”
I think I spend too much time on Twitter.
I loved my turquoise sandals. I mean LOVED. I wore them all the time. Even when it was cold out. Until last week. I parked in an underground parking structure on Hollywood Boulevard while on my way to do some much needed retail therapy. I stepped out of my car and BOOM. I stepped into a soft mound of….. FUCKING HUMAN FECES. I looked down and I saw it as well as some tissue I presume was used to clean someone’s hind-parts. My heart raced out of my chest and I wanted to scream so loud but I stood there and hyperventilated for at least one minute standing super-still hoping I had just imagined it. How the fuck could this happen? This can’t be real. Human feces? My favorite fucking sandals, RUINED. I tried to scrape it off on the concrete but they were so far gone. It then came down to decision time, what the fuck was I going to do… So…
I walked to the other side of my car, took the sandals off and got into my car barefoot. I abandoned my babies. I wanted to kill someone but I got it together. Drove to the other side of the garage. Put on shoes I had in the backseat, went shopping and kept it moving. I will tell you this though: If I EVER, EVER go to Hollywood & Western and see someone walking around in my sandals, someone is getting BOXED!
I worked at a video store while in undergrad. I have so many stories about it but let me tell you my favorite:
It was a super-busy night at the store and people were all over the floor checking out the movies. I was behind the counter waiting for someone to check-out. I see a man with crazy in his eyes walking towards the counter with two stacks of vhs tapes. There had to be like 20 in his hands! He looked like he hadn’t changed his clothes in days and was angry. As I waited for him to come to the counter I notice him veer towards the exit.
Me: Excuse me sir?!
Him: Shut the fuck up bitch!
Me: Ok. ( I said that in my head but I just turned back to the register and acted cool as a cucumber.)
My assistant manager walked up to the counter right after he left.
Me: A man just walked out with about 20 tapes. He seemed to be on drugs and out of it.
Assistant Manager: Why didn’t you run after him?
Me: Crackheads have superhuman strength! No and thank you. He just left and is still probably in the parking lot.
Just as quickly as she ran out to catch him, she came back in bawling her eyes out. She caught up to the dude and he bopped her on the head.
Me: I told you. (I am sure I giggled and rolled my eyes too.)
The lesson here is desperate people do desperate things: (1) This guy was desperate enough to walk into a packed video store and walk out with 20 tapes. (2) My assistant manager was so desperate to keep her job she stepped to a crackhead… and lost. Don’t let this be you.
My property manager visited my place to do their annual smoke alarm inspection. Every time she has entered my apartment she has said how nice it is. I am starting to think that every other person’s place must look like shit because my place is super plain.
She walked into the dining area and I wanted to laugh because she looked at the rooster, candle burning and dried flowers and said, “wow this is nice.” I can tell she was a little freaked out about it and as a fellow Latina, I am sure, she thought it was an altar of some sort. The funny thing is, I always light candles and I had just dried some roses and didn’t know where to put them so I just put it with the rooster.
Dear St. Rooster,
Will you help me with my troubles?
I hosted a wine tasting event in San Diego one year. My team pulled it off in a few weeks. Somehow I ended up pouring at the first station, a beautiful Bearboat Riesling. I had never poured at an event nevermind a tasting, so I was pouring half glasses Anyway here he is the funny story:
The only bottle openers we used were these:
I had never used one of these so one of the attendees decided to help me while telling me that she was a bartender for may years as a young woman. After she opens the bottle, she smells the cork and says, “now that is some great wine”. I thanked her and became a pro. Another person in my team that I will call JACK was by my side and learned how to use the opener as well.
A little later after most of the attendees had a glass, I introduced our guest sommelier. He gave a brief spiel about the selection of wines and then he gives tips about wine tasting. Then he said a sentence I will never forget. Jack and I spit out or wines (discretely) when he said these words. Here it goes:
“Learning about wine and tasting is easy. Beware of those that pretend to know. If someone smells a cork and thinks they can tell anything about the wine from it, that person doesn’t know shit.”
That’s all. I thought I would share those words of wisdom with you all. If someone smells a cork, they are an asshole. That is it. Caso cerrado. Carry on.
I used to be terribly shy…
No one believes me when I tell them that. I think I had social anxiety disorder, like seriously. I could not be in a room full of people. I would just become a wallflower and want to leave. I never would approach people. I’ve always had a boyfriend and he was always my best friend. I remember in middle school, a girl named Divina L. said “If you ever opened your mouth around people, you would be really popular”. I just laughed it off but I planned for high school.
In high school I became way more outgoing and talky. I gained a lot of friends and for senior superlatives, I was voted “Class Clown”. In college I started being super shy then as the years progressed I broke out of it.
As an adult I talk to everyone and am usually quick to introduce myself to people. Recently I was in a wedding and the brides brother was having a bout of a social anxiety episode and isolated himself from the wedding guests. I explained to the wedding party that I used to be the same way and I was all but laughed at because no one believed me. I guess I have done a 180. What I can say is that social anxiety is real and so is extreme shyness. I am so glad I got over that shit.
I agree with the picture above. Although I am no longer shy I still notice EVERYTHING!
I missed Confession Friday so I am doing it today, sue me.
If you follow me on twitter, you know about 4 months ago, I pierced my septum. It didn’t hurt. I love it. I have always wanted it so I was like “fuck it”. I get to hide it when I want to and it looks dope… but there is a downside. Sometimes it smells like earring back.
The first time I noticed it, I was driving and I was like WTF is that smell and I tore up my car and didn’t find anything. I picked up a friend. They came in my car and didn’t smell it. I finally realized it was the fucking piercing. I clean it everyday in the shower 😦 Oh well. That is the only downside. I love it anyway.